I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of being strong. I'm so depressed and being depressed just makes me more depressed. If that makes any sense. Probably not. "we're all mad here" I can feel the beauty around me but i don't want to look. I don't feel like looking. I'm spinning in circles and all i want to do is close my eyes and curl into a little ball. I am ashamed to cross the street, i look down, look away, i don't want to meet the eyes of the strangers i feel unworthy to be around. Everyone is so interesting i feel lacking in comparison. being unsocial is making me more and more unsocial and is making human contact harder and harder. when i reach out i feel like it's just wasted effort. I'm drowning. no one seems to see. no one can pull me to surface though so what does it matter. when you need help you're supposed to call out fire. supposedly there's been a study that says that humans are more likely react to "fire" then "help." Why is that? does the word help=involvement? Probably. Fire Fire. Not that anyone will read this. if i left a suicide note in my hypothetical suicide would anyone read it? or would they just clean up the mess and move on? who knows, it's hypothetical right? Fire Fire. I'm supposed to call my psychiatrist when i feel like this. why? so i can be locked up again? no. I'll be fine. on my own. I'll rebound, on my own, it's nothing new. I'm talking just to be sure i still can, hearing my words just to be sure they're still there. i feel numb. Fire Fire. I keep hearing the words "where we are going we don't need roads" back to the future. strange. Where is my delorean? what does it matter? i'd have to go so far back in time to save myself. if that's even possible. is there any way for me to exist without being the fucked up mangled thing that i am? probably not. what else can i say that hasn't been said before? nothing. everything's been said just like everything's been done. i truly believe that we as humans are at the point where there's nothing we can do that hasn't been done, there's nothing i can say or think that someone somewhere hasn't said or thought before right? where are these people? these people that think and feel like me? i discredit my therapist just because she's telling me how to live and how to react based on things she's learned in books and lectures, not from real events in her life. self help books are crap too. i don't care what you say. i doubt, with all my being, your self help book is really going to help ME live MY life. Unless i can find someone somewhere who's lived my life and can tell me what to do next. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore, more talking just to talk to prove i can. Fire fire. so. if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it does it make a sound? if i scream at the top of my lungs in an empty room am i still screaming? do things only exist in the presence of other things to witness them? I don't know. what is this all about? nothing probably. what is it all for? more nothing. a pastor once told me that god put me through all my horrors to help others. my reaction was: what a fucked up god. I think I'll believe in something else thank you. yet again with the fire. flames licking at my skin. i can almost see it. My birthday is this tuesday. the anniversary of the day i was dispelled from my mother's uterus. my birthdays usually suck. I'm not expecting this one to be any different. plus, 19 is not really a monumental age. i've been legal for one year. yay. whatever. fire.
