Post 4

I am an empty shell. I will always be and empty shell. My insides were scrapped from me by a hungry man with a clam shucker. I am wasted space, wasted air, wasted life. I will forever play the victim because it's all I know, being a victim. I chase after those that don't want me and I squish the things I do have, like the girl that smothers her pets from holding them too tightly. I don't know how to go on. What's more I don't know if I should. I want to od. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that's stopping me is the fact that last time I tried, I didn't make it. I got so close. Didn't make it. This is a term people sometimes use to describe someone dying, however I'm using it to describe living and my fail at suicide. Last time, long after i woke up in the hospital, the repercussions of not making it were large. Mandatory Hospitalization being on the top of the list. Also though, if I don't make it, I took medicines that i would then have to repay for upon being alive. Plus I'm on medicaid now. Not sure how much it covers as far as mental health goes. So if I don't make it, I'd be in a bigger shit hole them I'm in now financially. I don't know what to do or where to go from here, not just about suicide but about life. What do I do? Where do I go? I feel so broken. Damaged can goods that have taken a few too many falls from the shelf. I'm 20. Living with my mom. GED. Not in college. Don't know what I want to do with my life (besides end it). Tormented by the past. Lacking basic adult functioning capabilities. What happens now? I guess I wait. That's all there really is to do. Wish I just knew at least what it is that I'm waiting for.